Until reality starts sinking in
Once again I'm settling for second best
Turn the page and skip
To the end to where I
Swore that I would try
Since the last time I crossed that line
In the back of my mind I know

It only hurts when you're eyes are open
Lies get tossed and truth is spoken
It only hurts when that door gets opened
Dreams are lost and hearts are broken

Miles away promise from a burning bed
Two worlds should never collide
One word would end it if you ever heard
Tear the page out that
Reminds me when I
Swore that I'd be strong now the next
Time has come and gone
Well maybe I'm wrong I know

It only hurts when you're eyes are open
Lies get tossed and truth is spoken
It only hurts when that door gets opened
Dreams are lost and hearts are broken

I know what you're feeling
Its hard to believe in
Someone, someone, who's not there
I know that you're waiting
Cause love is worth saving
But only for So long, so long, so long

I swore that I would try
Since the last time, the last time

It only hurts when you're eyes are open
Lies get tossed and truth is spoken
It only hurts when that door gets opened
Dreams are lost and hearts are broken

It only hurts when you're eyes are open
Lies get tossed and truth is spoken
It only hurts when that door gets opened
Dreams are lost and hearts are broken

He leaned onto her and gave her a deep kiss.

It was a lovely taste, a wonderful feeling; she could almost felt herself melting away. But she pulled away, and staring into his deep ocean green eyes, said, "Please don't make me fall in love with you."

*** *** *** *** ***

But I've loved you all these times.

I never realised it was you. I always thought it was Rose whom I loved, even after she was long gone.

But I know now.

I loved Rose because she was just like you. But unlike you, she didn't put a wall up. She let her vulnerability show like an open scar, pleading me to save her. You hide everything. She let everything out.

And I couldn't save her.

She couldn't save her.

But I know now.

We can save each other. I will love you the way he didn't. I can give you everything he couldn't. He didn't know how to carry you away from the pain. He waited for you to pick up your broken pieces even though you didn't know how. So you ignored them and walked around them, careful not to hurt yourself again because there isn't much left to break anyway.

I can help you pick up your broken pieces and mend them. One by one by one. And you can help me do the same when I needed it.

They were both mountains we had to climb over so that we would reach here.

Here. To this exact moment of realization.

*** *** *** *** ***

"Why would I do that? Just thought the audience could do with a new delicious gossip."

He turned around and blended into the crowd once again.

*** *** *** *** ***

There was a pang of sharp pain in her chest. She didn't think it would hurt to hear that, since she expected that response. Typical of him.

When you awake dreading the day
The thoughts that flowed through your mind
... There is nothing to fear,
... There is nothing to worry
... All are fine
But
Still,
You do not believe
... This pile of work is waiting for you
... You were supposed to complete this yesterday
... They will find out your fraud
Your fraud,
That being, everything you are
And yet, everything you are not
How can you convince them that you can do this,
When the only person who mattered, does not?
You.
You.
You.
Has the past proven naught?
Yes.
But no.
This internal fight,
Forever be.

I have a stinking suspicion that he went out of the country with my son again.

16 Nov 2017 - H's birthday
20 Nov 2017 - we divorced legally in court. Really fast track divorce, took less than 6 hours for him to legally talaq me.

I have much to write, before I forgot all the details. My memory is truly weakening. I can't remember in details. I can't remember what I did on Sunday. 

Is just not enough.

Or no longer there.

Oh. Btw. We're divorcing anymore but still trying.

Still trying.

I don't know.

Lost all feelings. Am I even capable anymore?

We've agreed to divorce and I've confirmed purchase of a subsale apartment in DI. 

I haven't had anything near a good reading for the past month.

I had lemon chicken and veggie 2 hours with maybe 2 thin slices of apple. And my reading went from 8.1 to 14.6.

I'm dead.

I'm bored.

We've both admitted we've got no more sparks for each other. He's got no motivation to try to fix or improve our relationship, because according to him, he's been in this stage for years and I've only just reached here. Long story short, he's given up. On us. On me. I've given 'permission' for an open relationship, which pretty much a permission for a 2nd wife. But I might divorce him. But I'll lose H. 

What did I tell you, silly girl?

They are all lies. Nothing lasts. Love isn't real. Happiness is an illusion. 

But shield H. Lie to him. Mayhaps if he grew up believing differently, he could have it differently.  

Perhaps.  

One can wish. One can dream. 

*empty laughs*

During the counselling few weeks back, he admitted he's been going out with his friends more often. The counselor advised him to reduce, because this is a sign he's drifting away.

Guess what? He's not doing anything about it. At least not from my point of view.  He's out right now. His game friends.  I have no idea who they are. Met them by accident one time but that's all. He brought Harris out too, because I went out to buy some stuffs and didn't bring my hand phone so he didn't know how long I'd take.

Rigggghhhhht. As if I have a history of going out and not coming back for hours.

It's 9pm and past Harris' bedtime.

Suddenly feel so sad and depressed. Last night talked about divorce and how we would work it with Harris. How we no longer have a spark with each other.

We're literally living like housemates. No touching no nothing.

I didn't feel it last night, but I feel so like a loser and failure right now. And I'm upset with everyone. Upset with all the work problems. Upset with how the team is doing their work. Upset with how they cannot manage it themselves. 

I want to go home and sleep.  Maybe i should take that leave tomorrow.